alone

I get into these phases where i feel like i have no real friends and i feel so alone. it's a weird feeling. it's a sad feeling. not helped by the fact or actually probably induced by the fact that i think my boyfriend is going to break up with me soon...shall i break up with him first and cut to the chase? should i just wait for what is eminent? since we're in a long distance relationship - the only way for me to judge how things are is via e-mail and our weekly (if even) phone calls. maybe im just reading into things but i don't think he misses me anymore...or i feel like he's been distancing himself on e-mail when in fact we were supposed to try to be more open. maybe i'm paranoid but i think i read signs right most of the time. what would really be worse is if he was cheating on me. i mean here i am trying my darndest to be faithful and avoiding guys or whatever, and even if he doesn't feel the same about me, he should be doing the same or he should tell me. not fair. he's supposed to visit the last week of december but he doesn't seem too keen on getting the tickets so by the time he tries it will probably be too expensive...if he doesn't make it here then we're definitely breaking up. but if he does make it here, i mean will we break up anyway? ugh how depressing. i feel like crying but still my mind or body won't let me. then i saw my ex-whatever and he seems to be doing ok - life's pretty good for him and it makes me feel worse somehow because he seems to be having a fucking normal relationship with someone now, and he could never have a normal relationship with me....which now I realize is what's making me feel down...it's like every relationship i ever have is abnormal...and it's frustrating to me that I can never be in a normal one...by normal i mean one that doesn't involve flying on a plane to be able to visit...or one where no one is lying or cheating, or one where you can be totally open and honest with the person, and be in love and know it for sure.