alone

I get into these phases where i feel like i have no real friends and i feel so alone. it's a weird feeling. it's a sad feeling. not helped by the fact or actually probably induced by the fact that i think my boyfriend is going to break up with me soon...shall i break up with him first and cut to the chase? should i just wait for what is eminent? since we're in a long distance relationship - the only way for me to judge how things are is via e-mail and our weekly (if even) phone calls. maybe im just reading into things but i don't think he misses me anymore...or i feel like he's been distancing himself on e-mail when in fact we were supposed to try to be more open. maybe i'm paranoid but i think i read signs right most of the time. what would really be worse is if he was cheating on me. i mean here i am trying my darndest to be faithful and avoiding guys or whatever, and even if he doesn't feel the same about me, he should be doing the same or he should tell me. not fair. he's supposed to visit the last week of december but he doesn't seem too keen on getting the tickets so by the time he tries it will probably be too expensive...if he doesn't make it here then we're definitely breaking up. but if he does make it here, i mean will we break up anyway? ugh how depressing. i feel like crying but still my mind or body won't let me. then i saw my ex-whatever and he seems to be doing ok - life's pretty good for him and it makes me feel worse somehow because he seems to be having a fucking normal relationship with someone now, and he could never have a normal relationship with me....which now I realize is what's making me feel down...it's like every relationship i ever have is abnormal...and it's frustrating to me that I can never be in a normal one...by normal i mean one that doesn't involve flying on a plane to be able to visit...or one where no one is lying or cheating, or one where you can be totally open and honest with the person, and be in love and know it for sure.

work and no play makes me a very dull girl

Well now I feel I am at a point in life where I need to embark on career enlightenment...decide what I'm doing with my future and my love life. Decisions I like to typically procrastinate on...but when certain events occur in life, it makes you take a look and think about things. My coworker was forced to retire...a couple of months before he actually is of retirement age. This after 22 years of dedicated service to our company. What does that mean? He probably feels slighted and dejected because the company he stood by for so long has let him down. It's all about the bottom line and not sure if I was kidding myself before. Is it ageism - cheaper employment for the next hire? Whatever the case may be, why be loyal to a company who will one day turn around and stab you in the back. I want job security but who knows what will happen around the corner? And when I get old? What then? Replaced by newer, younger, cheaper models? So I thought, I need to start my own company - I can lose money or whatever, but can't really fire myself. The problem is - what kind of company? I guess I'll have to brainstorm and come up with ideas.

Summer NYC Style

Well, I haven't written in over a year! Time surely flies fast.
When your a kid, time seems to stand still but as you get older, it's so true, it just passes by in a blink of an eye. It's definitely summer here - really hot in the city.
I'm still with the same guy amazingly enough. The long distance thing is tough though.
I haven't gone anywhere too exotic this year...I'm not sure if Key West counts :)
It was a first for me, and maybe the closest I'll ever get to Cuba.
It was hot as hell so it wasn't too conducive to exploring but I guess I was able to get a picture of what the key is all about. Too bad the beaches were pretty much non-existant. It's a good thing we snuck off to South Beach on our last day there...I luv South Beach. Can't really go wrong there. Key West is supposed to be known for their sunsets. They have a Sunset Celebration every evening which is cute- street performers, vendors. But truthfully, I've seen better sunsets before or the same - Any island has a similar view (PR, Bahamas). Hawaii probably beats them all. But it was nice. It also felt like there were alot of older people there. We kind of felt out of our element. Maybe it was the time of year that we went to visit. End of June - Beginning July? Like I said, it was too hot hot hot. Maybe if it wasn't so, I would have enjoyed it more. Maybe visit in February. The highlight of the trip was visiting Ernest Hemingway's house and seeing all his cats. They even have a cat cemetary in the backyard. An interesting life he led. I've only read one of his books which was forced since I had to read it in high school. Never really did enjoy reading a book I was forced to read...but don't get me wrong, I love to read actually.
This summer I read the Godfather. Good book. Still trying to finish off Harry Potter 5 since 6 came out several weeks ago...I am way behind.
Anyway, I love summer in the city because there is so many things going on and most are FREE. Considering we live in one of the most expensive cities, it's nice to enjoy things that are gratis. Concerts, performances, plays at different parks and piers...It's great. Even just hanging out in Central Park is like a great escape! I should take advantage of it more often. I've only been to Central Park once this summer. Maybe I'll make it to a NY beach still - haven't gone yet...Coney Island or Long Island...We shall see. It doesn't compare to South Beach or Cancun or the Caribbean but hey it's cool refreshing water and enjoying the sun and sand on a hot summer day - is a little peace in the all but hectic work week. So what should I do exactly with my time? We shall see...as the summer is almost over and the long winter awaits.